The answer is... not always.
I'm constantly having to take a step back and recalibrate. Seeking perfection is unrealistic and exhausting. This is something that I'm constantly reminding my clients of. However, I do have the ability to be the best possible version of myself. And I feel best about myself when I'm being a good friend, a good wife, a good daughter, a good student, and a good therapist.
So how do we measure "good"?
I actually hate the word "good," and I encourage my clients to remove it from their vocabulary. It's pretty darn vague and un-descriptive (pretty sure that's not a word) for an adjective. So I figured I'd explain what "good" means to me and how I strive to be "good" every day.
1. Being Present
I try to be present during every conversation I'm having. This task has become increasingly difficult for our generation due to rapid technological advancements. Technology can so easily distract us from our family and friends when they need us most. I try my best to put my phone away and put it on silent whenever someone is seeking my attention. I also make eye contact with my partner-in-conversation and lean in towards them to show that I'm invested in what they're sharing.
2. Listening with Care
While we might start off a conversation with good intentions, our minds can easily wander given how busy our lives are. Suddenly, you find yourself wondering if you have enough time to fit in an hour at the gym or how you can get that cute guy at school to notice you. When I find my thoughts wandering, I make an effort to refocus my attention on the narrative and give verbal and nonverbal cues to my partner-in-conversation so that they know they still have my attention. So what are verbal cues? Simple! Throw an "mmhmm" or "uh-huh" or "right" in there every once in a while so that they know you're still listening. Nonverbal cues can be head nods, smiles, frowns, furrowing your eyebrows, etc.
3. Empathizing
It's human nature to try to put a bandaid on pain and suffering. We all have a natural tendency to soothe each other with not-so-soothing phrases like "it'll be okay" or "he wasn't good enough for you anyway." While the intentions behind these statements are good, they really don't do much to help a person in the here-and-now. We also enjoy giving advice. In fact, we LOVE it! We can all be a tad self-centered and can't help ourselves but to share our own experiences and coping techniques and assume they'll work for everyone else. However, that's not usually the case. What our friends and family members are looking for from us is empathy. We all know the word, but we hardly ever actually practice it. Empathizing can be tough. It's hard not to interject with our thoughts or opinions or advice. But I want to let you all in on a little secret: empathy is MAGICAL. In fact, it works ten times better (that's obviously the actual scientific finding) than "putting a bandaid on it." So how do we empathize? Start by thinking about a time where you felt the same way that your partner-in-conversation felt. Maybe you went through a similar break-up. Maybe you also lost a family member. Maybe their story triggers a memory or feeling in you that you hadn't thought of in a while. Or maybe you just plain wish they weren't feeling as angry, sad, frustrated, or helpless as they're feeling in that moment. All that you have to do is communicate that to them. "I understand how you feel. I also lost my grandfather a few years ago." "I'm so sorry to hear that. I know how difficult break-ups can be." "I can understand why you're feeling so angry. It can be very upsetting when your hard work isn't acknowledged." Sit back and watch what happens. You won't regret it.
And that's it! It's really that simple. Practice makes better, so see if you can incorporate these skills to your everyday encounters. Then be sure to let me know what results you get!
Love,
Rini
No comments:
Post a Comment